Time to Deal
by tinylittlelines
Summary: Max is devastated after the loss of Chloe, and is being pushed over the brink. Now it's up to Kate Marsh to help her cope. Maaarshfield?
1. I'll get My Just Deserve

The sharp night chill of December went unnoticed by max. Despite her only wearing boyshorts and a t-shirt. Despite bare feet in contact with the chilled concrete of the dormitory roof. The only thing she noticed was the twisting and gnashing in her stomach. The sizeable hole in her heart.

She set her phone on the ledge. The Slip's 'suffocation keep' played softly in the background. Max understood that music acts as a magnifying lens for emotions. The great enabler for pity parties. She knew that. But tonight was a night to feel. No more stone. No more listlessly making it through the day.

Tonight, max would feel fucking _everything_.

Every last emotion she had been working to quell since that day. The - ..the last time she saw Chloe. Tears welled up and max let them flow.

'Chloe' she whimpered through her sobbing, curling up against the ledge and hugging knees to her chest. How could Chloe do that? Why did she listen to her?She was eighteen. And she loved chloe. What kind of fucking choice is that for her to make?

'Oh max, I _hella_ love you, but you need to let me die so you can be john fucking shepherd.' Or Jack fucking shepherd. Or all the fucking shepherds who sacrificed evrey precious thing they loved because that's apparently the right thing to do.

She felt played. Like the universe had toyed with her in the worst cable TV game show ever.

'Oh max! Here are some sick powers you can use to save this blue haired girl from dying, who _by the way_ is your long lost best friend that you left in the dust!'

'Oh what's that max? Of course! Here's the chance you needed to make amends for the shit friend you were. No problem. It's actually really great, because she's in a rough place and hella needs you right now'

'But that's not all! Because in what could be called the greatest turn of events since whatever hipster fucking pop culture reference you want, you love her max. And _she loves you!_ '

Isn't that great max?

To giver her this. All of this...this bright in her life, and then slap it out of her hands while flipping her the bird.

'Ooooh you know what. Sorry max I read the wrong paper. Actually, fuck you. Fuck you and Chloe. She really needs to die because of universe stuff. It's actually way more important that other people live. Like Victoria. You do want her to be famous don't you max? This is so worth Chloe dying max. '

"Fuck!" Max shouted, kneeling on the ground and slamming a fist into the cement. Her inner monolague getting lost in the desperate plea. Her heart was empty. Empty and barren. A wasteland not even fit for mad max. _Super max_. _Spider max_. Max max fucking max. Desolate. She remembered the final kiss she shared with Chloe, and how the warmth from that moment nearly burned out the dread she felt for what was to come. Nearly.

Now there was nothing. She could feel it. Clawing at her throat. She was drowning up to her eyes in this...in this emptiness. In _this_. The wanting. The lack of.

"Why, why, why fucking fuck why" her right fist was red now. Spots of blood and bruising beginning to show. She stood up, hands gripping her hair, her feet just...moving. In directions. Any direction. She stumbled in circles. She just couldn't - couldn't keep herself still. Heart beating and feeling as if it could burst from her chest at any moment.

Who the fuck should have to make that decision? Why did she listen to Chloe? She should have let the town be ripped to shreds. Or taken the bullet for Chloe. Gone back in time and stabbed a pen in Jefferson's eye. She should have done anything other than just sit there.

It was her now. She was Arcadia, grief the tornado, and it was tearing up her insides, her heart a house being thrown about in the twisting writhing agony. _Fucking wizard of oz_. Max was sick. Sick to her stomach. Sick to her very being with grief.

And now she was here. On this roof again. A lifetime ago she was trying to coax Kate down. Now she stood, coaxing herself over.

 _Poor Kate_! She thought. At least back...back then max had been there to help her. When it went down now, Kate had to deal with it herself. Learning what Jefferson had done to her had devastated the girl. And max was too busy barely existing to be there for her.

And despite it all, Kate still pulled through. That innocent, sweet, beautiful girl was strong as steel. And max? Max was here. Dealing with the overbearing realization that it was wrong. She had made the wrong choice. Fucked up.

At least back before she let Chloe die, the town had been better off. Or those max knew. Now, nothing had changed. Victoria was still a bitch. Kate still had to deal with everything by herself. Joyce and David watched their daughter's funeral wondering where they went wrong. Wondering how their daughter could have been in such a bad state. They had no idea the pure...force she really was. The enigma max knew.

And Chloe..

Chloe died lost. Wanting for Rachel. Still marked by the betrayal of max.

She had said that their memories would mean something. Be somewhere. But that was bullshit. Those memories were just in max's head. Chloe died lonely and lost.

Why had she listened to that woman? Of course it seemed like the right thing to say. Max would have absolutely told Chloe to sacrifice her over the bay. Chloe wouldn't have done it. What sense does it make for a tornado to destroy a town if someone lived instead of died. And who should care. Decisions have consequences, that is all it is. Max picked what, at the time, seemed would less weigh her soul down. Max did what Max always does.

Run away. Abandon. Chloe was right to fear. To doubt. Max did the same dumb shit. And it was time to deal.

"I...I'm sorry chloe" Max spoke. A step closer to the edge. Her voice was soft. Hoarse. She didn't talk much anymore.

"Chloe, I left you and I'm just so so sorry. You didn't deserve this. You didn-"

" _Max_?" The voice and creaking of a door opening stopped max mid sentence. She turned quickly, taken aback.

Framed in the rooftop doorway stood Kate Marsh. Wearing a set of flannel pajamas and warm down coat. The girl seemed just as shocked as max.

"Max, what are you doing here?" She stepped closer as max racked her brain for an answer. Or words. Or anything

"Max - Oh my gosh max were you gonna"

"No..Kate I. I'm just. I came here t-" she couldn't even finish the lie before the tears came

"Kate I can't - I can't do this anymore. She's dead a - and it's my fault. I killed her kate. She was my best friend and I abandoned her" She was gasping for air now between sobbing and speaking

"I was here for a month before it happened and I didn't even speak to her. I killed her. I let her die and" she took a step back "and I can't deal-"

"MAX!" Kate shouted, a hint of tears in her eyes and desperation in her voice at the sight of her friend "What are you saying? You didn't kill her! Nathan did. He had a gun, and there was nothing you could have -"

"You don't get it Kate!" of course she thought this was only about the moment in the bathroom. That moment was bad enough, but Kate had no idea the scope of everything else. Just how immensely Max had failed Chloe. Max shook her head. Her eyes bloodshot, the skin under them pink and puffy.

"I should have been there for her. I should have done - just so many things differently but...I can't now. I see her face. I see her there on the floor and I can't live with my-"

"MAXINE CAULFIELD you stop it! Step down from there right now" Kate shouted.

 _Shouted_? Max was at a loss. Kate even seemed taken aback herself, before returning to intensly staring at max.

"I -I understand, you witnessed your best friend being murdered by a psychopath and then all this...the awfulness that is J..Jefferson" even Kate had a hard time bringing his name up

"But..You've just been so distant Max. You don't return anyones calls or texts. Skip classes. Refuse to turn in homework" she stepped closer and closer to max, who was a deer in the headlights at this imposing new image of Kate Marsh.

"You don't talk to warren. Dana. Me. And now this? How is this ok max? To do..this without even speaking to me? I mean, you skip all our tea dates. You never answer when I knock on your door..."

Really? Was this actually happening? Max had seen, and then prevented Kate from dying and now they were in a complete role reversal

"Max I" Kates voice softened. Picked up the familiar sweet tone max was so fond of

"Trust me I get..I get this" she motioned to the roof. To the ledge

"I do. But you wer- you are one of my closest friends here, and I will not let you go like this. Not before you come inside and talk through this with me" Kate was face to face with Max now, offering her friend a hand.

"I'll make some tea and..we can talk... _please_ "

Max was shaken out of the stupor she had been in. Kate had a way of..inflection with her voice that just struck the right chords sometime. She met Kate's stare, her eyes intense and somehow so affectionate at the same time. Damn that girl. However empty and lost max felt there was a part of her that felt - well knew Kate deserved this. If kate listened to max, then max could at least hear kate out. Timidly she grasped the girls hand.

"Goo- Oh jeez max" Kate let out as she went to pull her towards the door "Your hands are freezing. Here- Take my coat" max felt the light down coat embrace her shoulders and - well now that she actually considered it, it was ice up here.

"We are going to my room, I'm gonna put on some tea and then...we are gonna deal with this max"


	2. I'll Deserve Just That

Kate's bedroom contrasted with it's version in Max's memories. The last time she had been in here, Kate was in such a dark place. Her room had reflected that. Curtains drawn. Mirror covered up. Clothes on the floor. Disturbing drawings scattered about. Very...un-Kate. The room in this reality was decidedly proper. It looked less 'senior-in-highschool' and more of, well...a room that had a level of care and attention spent on it that only Kate could deliver. And, being december, it had a peaceful christmas theme to it. A nativity scene on her computer desk, cut-out paper snowflakes adorning the ceiling, and colorful lights on the wall above her bed providing the only light. Intimate and festive.

It was these Christmas lights Max stared at, lost in a sort of trance. She was still wrapped comfortably in Kate's down jacket, but the occasional shiver escaped overtook her. Turns out the chill outside had been a little too much to ignore.

Why had she come here? Ok, yes it seemed like it would probably be a giant middle finger to destiny, or fate, or whatever, to deny Kate's request. But Fuck destiny. Destiny and Max didn't really have a great relationship right now. This was for Kate. Because regardless of what your current mental state is, who could deny that girl? Kate was like freaking snow white. She had such a kind spirit that others couldn't help but put it down. Come to think of it, Victoria played into that Evil Queen role like it had been made especially for her. Max could swear there was even a time before...everything where she saw Kate talking to a bird.

 _Ok_ , maybe not. But still, the comparison stands.

So yes, Kate deserved this. Kate, who was currently busy prepping a pot of tea on her desk. Softly humming to herself while she moved about in an almost ritualistic manner. That had been one of the first things Max ever noticed about Kate. Girl was serious about her tea. This was one of Max's favorite observations to make as a photographer. Just noting the seemingly little or mundane things people were passionate about, and Kate had a lot of little passions.

Max glanced at her briefly. She had slippers with bunny ears on them because of course she did. A matching set of flannel pajamas. And that hair - always done up in a bun that made her look so effortlessly gorgeous. Her whole visual was the complete essence of purity. Maybe that's why Kate was always given such a hard time. In a world full of people who felt marred, or broken, Kate appeared the opposite. She seemed just so...composed.

Max closed her eyes and rested her head back down as Kate poured a bit of boiling water to warm the cups.

"Kate" she whispered.

"Yeah Max."

"All of this...the shit with Jefferson. How have you been able to remain so..well, you?"

Kate sighed. Dropping the teabags into the pot.

"Honestly, I was in a pretty dark place for a while"

"But you never seemed like it"

"Well, it's not like you would have noticed Max" there was a sting in her voice that made Max wince.

"I...I'm sorry. It's just that I was - really confused for a while. Why Nathan would drug me and..why Jefferson woul- How he co-" She closed her eyes and pinched at the bridge of her nose for a moment, only to shake it and rub a sleeve to her eyes as she stood.

"Why were you even at a vortex club party?" Kate paused at that, looked at Max, then looked at her bunny slippers. Wiggling her toes up and down a bit nervously.

"I was invited"

"That doesn't explain why you wen-"

"Max I-" Kate interrupted, a bit flustered. "I know who I am. The kind of..person people think I am. But I'm not perfect OK. I went to the party. I wanted to go. I wanted to..to drink some wine. This is my first year away from my parents, the first time I can make my own decisions. So maybe I wanted to experience a bit more of what life has to offer. I mean...I didn't know what would happen. I...what they did to me but.." She shook her head. Maybe trying to rid herself of whatever memories she had of Jefferson. As if that would work. If _only_ that could work.

"I went. And it happened. And yeah, I was messed up a bit after that. I was..was lost but..That's not important right now. What matters is you" Of course Kate. So quick to think of others. She walked over with the ready cups of tea, holding out one towards Max, who sat up, shifting her weight a bit so Kate could sit down next to her, and took the offered cup. Inhaling, she arched an eyebrow

"Chamomile?"

"You do need to rest."

Max pursed her lips as if in disagreement, though only for a moment. The concerened look on Kate's face was enough motivation, she brought the cup up and sipped softly.

"Max! Your hand!"

"What? Oh that I.." She had forgotten, or rather ignored the dull throbbinbg in her knuckles. They did look pretty banged up. Max versus the concrete had gone just about as well as could be expected.

"One second, I think I have a first aid kit here" Kate went rummaging through her closet, silent save the occasional hmph of moving a box out of her way. Before long she came back with some gauze and a wash cloth.

"Ok so I may have exaggerated, but this should be good enough" She wet the wash cloth and began to go over Max's wound. Her hand felt...strange to Max, but comforting in a way. She gently cleared away dried blood from Max's hand, taking extra care to go lightly around the bruising.

"You've done this before I take it?"

"My mother is a nurse. And my sisters and I played in the woods near our house a lot" she finished wrapping the gauze around Max's hand an flashed a smile "Lot's of bloody-everything falling from trees and into thorns".

That seemed a bit different than the image Max had of Kate as a child. Her imagination had much more prim and proper activities. Impromptu violin conciertos in a parlor room. _Her parents definitely had a parlor room_. Painting bowls of fruit under the scornful eye of a governess while her mother and father read by a fireplace. Oh...so Max's view of her childhood was basically an episode of Downton Abbey. Or a page from Jane Eyre. That would kind of make sense.

But days spent running through trees and getting stuck in thornbushes? That hair in thorn bushes? It had to have been a nightmare for her parents.

"Max why were you up there tonight?" Kate cut in on Max's daydreaming.

"I could ask the same of you" Kate shifted her gaze off of Max a bit sheepishly

"I..uh..I go there to pray sometimes. It's one of the only places I can get any real peace and quiet. But...you didn't answer my question"

"Kate you know wh-"

"No Max. I know what you were going to do, but why were you up there?" Max put a hand behind her neck and shifted uncomfortably

"...it's complicated"

"That girl..Chloe right? She was..your friend.."

 _Friend? Best Friend. Lover. And how much she fucking loved that woman._

"..and you had to watch her die. I'm so sorry max" Max couldn't help it. Tears flowed freely as she shook her head, looking up at Kate.

"No..no I didn't watch her die, I let her die. She was desperate and I fucking let her die like that. I didn't even...she didn't even see me before she bled out Kate. I couldn't force myself to even comfort her, and she died alone and broken"

"We were both at her funeral. You saw her parents, how much they loved her. She had to have known"

"She didn't Kate"

"You don't know that"

Max held her head in her hands, slightly trembling.

"What..what if I did"

"Max...what are you talking about"

"You wouldn't believe me" Kate got off the bed, carefully set her teacup on the desk, and knelt in front of Max, taking a firm grasp of the girl's hands.

"Max Caulfield, I watched you nearly throw yourself off of a roof tonight. Two months ago we were drinking tea and talking about our favorite books. Or boys. You never once struck me as a person who...who could...Max. Whatever...changed you..you can tell me. I'll believe anything"

Max doubted that. But looking into the girls hazel eyes, they were filled with such sinceriity and worry. And Max felt so bottled up. As if for the past two months she had been about to explode. She barely even noticed it when she started talking.

"The...the day it happened, I had a vision in Jefferson's class. I was standing next to the lighthouse, and there was a giant tornado headed towards Arcadia Bay..."

* * *

Sun peaked in through Kate's bedroom window. Birds happily chirping outside and squirrels in the trees seemed to be predicting a pleasantly warm day despite the onset of winter. Kate noticed none of this. Her focus was on the girl who had fallen asleep with her head in her lap. She was softly running her hands through Max's hair, praying she had sweet dreams. _Lord knows_ _she needs them_.

Kate had always known Max was a rather genuine person. That's why she had first been drawn to her. There was no facade, what you see was what you got. And what you got was one of the most love-able dorks the world had to offer. Seeing Max in this state for the past two months had sbeen difficult, but now Kate felt a bit foolish. She had no idea how difficult it had been. Originally she thought it had just been seeing an old friend die and the trauma that came with that. But..Max was carrying the literal weight of the world on her shoulders, and she had to bear it silently. Who would believe that story?

It had been hard to believe for Kate at first. Heck, she still was filled with some doubts. But then Max told her about their..interaction on the rooftop. With Kate in Max's place. And told her things about Kate she couldn't have known otherwise. Looking down at the sleeping form, she couldn't imagine how she could have gone through that.

Reunited with a best friend. Rebuilding that relationship and...and falling in love in the process. Only to have to throw that away for the cause of the greater good.

Which, wow, wait _love_? Rewind for a second on that one.

 _Rewind Kate? Kind of rude given the circumstances._

Still..

 _Max_. In _love_. With a _girl_. It was weird, yes. Maybe a bit difficult to wrap her head around, she had always assumed Max had a thing with Warren. Now the one-sidedness of that made much more sense. But the weirdest thing about it wasn't Max, it was Kate. When Max had told her about their first..uh..kiss, Kate's stomach had gone all...flighty on her. Thinking about it again made her heart race a bit faster.

 _What would it have been like if-_

No. No not that. Max was just passionate. About Chloe. Very passionate. Kate must have just gotten swept up in some of the excitement.

Max stirred, eyes still closed

"Sorry Kate, did I fall asleep?"

"Shh. It's alright Max, you need to rest" she whispered, continuing to slowly rake her fingers through the girls hair. Max, satisfied with the answer, nuzzled her face a bit closer to the pillow.

Kate swore she saw the slightest hint of a smile. That poor girl. She felt so alone.

 _Not anymore max_ _like it or not, you can't deal with this alone._

Birds chirped in the distance.

Sunlight danced on the wall.

And Max slept peacefully for what felt like the first time in forever.


	3. Études in Winter

Kate Marsh was ecstatic. Or something more than that, only she didn't know the right word to describe it. In fact, she didn't really think one simple word could describe this feeling.

Kate Marsh was super-soaker water fights in the heat of summer with best friends that lasted all day. She was waking up late to a new world blanketed in snow, and the subsequent heavenly news of no school. She was the night before Christmas, laying in bed with her sisters, bellies warm and full of egg nog and hope for the morning to come.

Kate Marsh realized she didn't have any allegories that fit an adult, but that was OK because _Kate Marsh never really felt like an adult._

It had been nearly three weeks since the night she met Maxine Caulfield up on the roof, and the girl was getting noticeably better. She rarely skipped classes. Did her homework assignments. Occasionally made jokes. Kate even saw max looking at a camera "porn" - _eww gross-_ website. And sometimes, on the rarest, sweetest of occasions, Max would smile. When she thought nobody was looking. But Kate would see and it would make her smile in return and she would dip her head and bring a hand up to cover herself and..

 _Ok_...

So, she still skipped classes. The homework she did had been completed by Kate, and the jokes often came very late. As if she had been lost in thought and, moments later, finally acknowledged things that had been said. But this was a process.

 _Max was making progress._

She did show up to those library study sessions with Kate. She would feign interest as Kate went over the homework, describing the process in detail. And she cared enough to take the papers Kate had finished for her.

She would come over to Kate's room for movie nights. Comedy movies. Nothing too serious, _not_ _yet_. And, after a significant amount of begging from Kate, childrens cartoon movies. Max never wanted to watch those, but she would for Kate. Kate liked that.

For some reason. That...that max would do something she didn't necessarily want to all because of Kate made...well it made her feel special. She told herself that was progress for Max, and not her own selfishness.

This was a process. And maybe Max wasn't always to _gung-ho_ on taking forward steps, maybe Kate had to lift and place her feet down for her, but she let Kate do that.

Anyways, Kate was ecstatic because today was a special day. Today, Max had agreed to venture into the world. The actual oustide. Where people would be. _Social interactions_. It was just...such a huge step for Max that Kate couldn't help but beam when she thought of it.

Three weeks ago she had been ready to step off of a roof, and now she was agreeing to go to the town's Christmas party.

Sure, it had been.. _difficult_ to convince Max. Kate had begged and begged and begged and begged and Max had finally given in. When she had finally succumbed, she had muttered under her breath something about not being able to turn down those eyes.

It had made Kate feel wonderful. Selfishly so. And special and wanted and loved and warm. And tingliy. And

 _-No- Shut up. She's just..well this is just a big step for her and that is why you are happy._

 _...Right?_

Anyways, it was December 19th, and the last day of school and the day of the party and Kate was getting ready in her room. Paying extra care to well...everything.

She had spent simply too long trying to decide on what she wanted to wear. It's not like it mattered anyways, Max wouldn't care. Well, yeah she liked girls, or Chloe, but she didn't like Kate. So it didn't matter what she wore. Max wouldn't notice.

 _Or would she?_

 _Shut up!_

The red cashmere sweater.

 _Don't you usually wear like black and white?_

And this Black skirt. With matching leggings.

 _Really? Skirt? It's going to be cold tonight? Yeah you totally aren't trying to get aaannnyone to-_

Kate shook her head, trying to rid herself of the thoughts. She wasn't trying to get max to notice her, it was just...festive. And if the sweater maybe hugged her form a bit too tight that wasn't Kate's fault. She hadn't worn the thing in forever.

 _That skirt? Don't you have a longer.._

 _No! The longer one wasn't the right texture and wouldn't fit the...wait._

Kate sighed. She didn't have to do this. Argue with herself. She wasn't trying to attract Max. It was simple as that. Max was her friend and this would be her first time maybe trying to peek out of that shell she had built and that was all that mattered.

But, looking in the mirror, she did look kind of cute.

 _Stop._

She took a pair of white earmuffs off of her desk and headed towards Max's room, though not before blowing her sweet bunny a kiss, and telling him to behave himself.

As Kate walked the considerably short distance to Max's room, she noticed the hurried air in the dorms. Everyone was preparing. Or already gone. In the wake of the whole Nathan and...Jefferson - _shudder_ \- thing, the Vortex Club had dissolved. What, without the Prescott money it apparently couldn't stand on it's own. And lacking a school-backed alternative, the Blackwell students were forced to travel into town to get their festive on.

Either way, Kate was excited to go to this party. Was that weird? The last time she had gone to any type of party had..well...Jefferson happened. But no, this was different. And Kate loved christmas. Besides, Max needed an excuse to get out of her room.

Kate knocked on the door and waited.

And waited.

..and waited.

She knocked again.

No answer.

 _Darn it Max._

She pulled out her cellphone and dialed her friend. After a few rings, a voice came through on the other line

"Hmm..Wh-what? Hello"

"Max?"

"Mmm..what?"

"Really Max, were you sleeping? And with the party starting in less than an hour"

"Sleepin'..no I was..Uhm..I'm gettin ready -oof-" The grunt fell in line with a suspicious thump Kate heard through the door. As if a certain someone had just fallen out of bed.

"Open the door"

"What?"

"Now.." A shuffle. A reluctant sigh. The click of the lock and the door was opened for Kate to see the mess that was before her.

"Maax" She let out, a slight tinge of disappointment in her voice. The girl was in Pjs, or whatever PJs were for Max. Boy shorts and a long, ill-fitting shirt. Definitely not what Kate would choose but, well it was kind of cute on Max.

 _In a platonic way. Of course._

"Oh umm, See I...well I was...Kate do I have to go to this thing?" The girl turned back towards her bed and fell face first, head burying itself in pillow, knees instantly pulling themselves closer towards chest.

"I dn' wanna"

Ugh. Kate would be mad if not for the silliness of it all.

"Max, you promised"

"I don't recall"

Kate threw her phone at the girl "I figured you would try and cop out. But you can't go back on a pinky promise. Even if it was a pinky-swear emoji"

Max raised her head up from the pillow, staring at the phone screen intently. As if she didn't remember the promise. Kate had made her confirm it several times over. Ooh that girl.

"Besides" Kate remarked "I did-I didn't get this dressed up to go alone"

Max looked at Kate, really looked at her for the first time since Kate had entered her room. And there was..a shift. Something there in those sweet blue eyes. Kate noticed it and it made her stomach flip. Filled it with butterfiles.

Butterflies? No, these were Velociraptors. They sped and tore through her stomach and left an odd sensation in their wake.

 _Oh yeah Kate, no.. that's a totally normal way to feel about a friend._

She shook her head. She was just...well Max was just...

Ugh. Max had _noticed_ her and that was it. Kate must have just seen some...life in her eyes or something. A level of alertness that hadn't been there yet, Lord knows the girl had been near dead to the world for too long. That was why Kate felt like this. To see her friend feel..anything for a second was exciting.

Not...anything else.

"Wowsers Kate. Isn't this just like a normal town celebration? What's with the getup?"

"This" she looked down at herself "It's nothing. It's..these are the only Christmasy themed clothes I could find.."

Max twisted her legs over the bed and sat up, rubbing a hand over tired eyes.

"Well, I guess I did promise...and you'll probably need someone to keep the Blackwell boys off of you dressed like that"

Kate turned her head to the side for a moment, trying to hide the distinct hue of red that appeared.

Yes the sweater kind of...gripped her form. And maybe the skirt was just a hair shorter than what Kate would usually wear, but she didn't think it was That noticeable.

"I'm just giving you a hard time Kate. I said I'd go and I'll go" Max stood up and collected some clothes from the ground that she had discarded previously. Kate tried to stifle the sigh she let out.

 _It's a process. Process. Baby steps Kate._

She turned her back as Max threw on her clothes. It wasn't like she had to undress to do it, but Kate still felt it would be...inappropriate to stare.

"You ready to go Kate?"

"y-yeah. Uhm...are you gonna bring your camera?"

Max looked to her camera bag, then down at the ground.

"I don't know...It just feels"

"No, that's totally ok Max. I just thought you might want to take some..a..picture"

"It just-it doesn't feel. I don't feel" she sighed "I can't Kate"

"I understand, besides the uh...lighting probably won't be so good"

 _Stellar save Kate._

At least it seemed Max didn't notice the awkwardness Kate felt. The girl just stared at her insistently

"So..Uhm..Onward to to the party"

"On dasher"

 _Oh max,_ Kate smiled. Girl could be such a dork at the perfect times.

"On prancer on...uh...On..Declan"

"I think it's dancer"

"Definitely Declan"

"Ok...declan. Declan the reindeer"

"Yeah" Max smiled. And Kate melted. For a moment. "Declan the reindeer. Like a normal one, but all emo-y. He dyes his antlers black"

Kate rolled her eyes, and this conversation continued longer than it should as the two girls headed out of the dorm and on their way to catch a bus.

* * *

Arcadia Bay had been transformed from simple fishing town to a winter wonderland.

Well...not the type of wonderland Kate was used to. Those involved real snow. And were a significant bit chillier. But still, this was nice.

Sure, you always heard about the celebrations in larger towns. Giant Christmas trees and ice-skating at Rockefeller center. Obscene amounts of money spent on decorations and fireworks. But small towns were where it was at.

There was an intimacy here you just couldn't find in big cities. It must come from the familiarity a small town brings. Everyone knows everyone, and when you celebrate, it feels like you're doing it together. Kate was a sap for the holiday goodness.

The streets were lined with decorations, fake cotton-snow, paper mache snowmen and santas, light poles decorated to look like candy canes, and Christmas lights everywhere. Christmas lights were Kate's favorite. They had a way of making even the most depressing of places, like a dorm room, take on a more...ethereal and magical feel. OK, yeah, Kate was a sap.

The atmosphere was vibrant and alive. Kids whose parents were nowhere to be found running up and down the street. Young and old lovers walking hand in hand. Cries of vendors offering hot chocolate, or Christmas themed desserts, or Santa hats. One person was even selling candied apples.

 _Wasn't that an autumn thing?_

No matter, Kate wasn't really bothered by it. She just felt so...hopeful. This was a sun rising on a darkened world for Kate, heralding the end of six months of winter.

Yes it was the middle of December but...whatever. Kate had hope.

Partly due to the Christmas _everything_ and the inherent childlike giddiness it brought about in her. But most had to do with the girl by her side.

Max was keeping pace next to Kate as they meandered through Arcadia Bay. Certainly not as in awe as Kate was with everything, but sometimes she would stop to notice a particularly pretty decoration. Or laugh at some kids dressed up as elves. Or to smell the candied apples that had confused Kate.

This made Kate smile.

Sometimes their hands would brush as they walked together and this would make Kate smile as well. In a completely different way. Kate would quickly draw her hand away, clutching her wrist with her other hand sheepishly.

Max never noticed. Or made no show of noticing. Sometimes maybe Kate prayed that she did.

Kate ignored the implications of that thought. She was getting pretty good at ignoring these things.

 _Just enjoy the moment Kate._

Sadly, these moments don't last forever. And the end of this particular moment reared its ugly head in front of them, and it looked a heck of a lot like Victoria Chase, perpetually shadowed by Courtney and Taylor.

Kate grumbled inwardly. Victoria had changed since everything had gone down. Sometimes she teased Kate, sometimes she only nodded a courteous 'hello' in the hall. They had even been paired up in their photography class for a project and it had gone remarkably...smooth.

But Victoria was still Victoria. She had a way about her. Like a cat. One moment calm as the morning, the next all claws and fangs biting your toes off, for no other reason than the fact that it could.

 _Come on kitty, be nice._

This was Max's first outing and she didn't need claws.

"Kate Marsh, Shouldn't you be like, praying in a nunnery or something"

Kate shook her head. _Great_.

"I'm not catholic Victoria"

"Whatever. And max, welcome to the land of the living, though, looking at you I can't say you really belong here"

 _Crap_

Max paused, staring at Victoria. There was a moment of awkward silence as Victoria shifted on her feet.

"I...I'm sorry Max it's just you've been acting really fucking strange for so long it's just...weird to see you out like this"

 _Wait what?_

"I know you were close with that gir-uh Chloe"

 _Was this happening?_ Victoria wasn't being a bitch. She wasn't even being faux-nice. She was being downright cordial. To max. Hadn't they been like..sworn enemies or something? Kate knew a lot of the Jefferson evidence had been made public. Maybe Victoria saw the empty binder meant for her.

 _Right next to the one labeled Maxine Caulfield. I guess it would be hard to not change at least a little after that._

Victoria shook her head looking past Kate and Max towards a group of over-excited children on one of the hayrides. Courtney and Taylor had begun tapping their feet impatiently next to her

"Well..umm...if you need anything Max just..uh let me know. My parents know a really good therapist and..I uh..I'm sure you could use one"

"Th-thanks Victoria." Max finally spoke up

"Yeah..well anyways. Sorry to interrupt your date"

"No.." Kate started, but as quickly as the monster appeared it disappeared down the road.

Well. Change was a process yes? It would have been odd for Victoria to not let a little bit of the bitch out.

"So..uhmm that was a little"

"Strange" Max offered, and Kate nodded in agreement. "She was so... _nice_ "

"She's been getting better Max"

"I guess I haven't really noticed"

"There's a lot you've missed" Kate regretted saying that as she noticed a slight of hurt in Max's eyes "No Max I mean just...you obviously have so much to deal with and it has kept you occupied. But all this stuff with Jefferson..well, everyone has changed a bit"

"You don't seem like you changed Kate."

Kate twisted the corners of her mouth into a slight frown

"What do you mean?"

"Well..you're still Kate Marsh. Equal parts adorable and strong as shit"

 _Adorable_? Did she really think...

"Max I'm the furthest thing from strong"

"I'm not saying like...start talking with an Austrian accent and run for governor of California or anything"

 _Dork_

"I mean just..look at you. After what Jefferson did to you, you're still you. As positive as ever."

"I told you... it got pretty dark for me for a while. And...besides I barely remember any of it"

"Yeah, but you saw the pictures. And I'm beginning to think that..well maybe that would be worse"

Kate took a hold of Max's hand and turned her so they were standing face to face

"Max... _nothing_ could be worse than what you had to go to. To give up so much..for everyone else. If I'm strong then you are..well you're like super max"

Kate saw a wall go up in those blue eyes. Like a physical wall. Or at least it felt like it. She saw it, knew what max was doing.

 _Zombie mode engaged._

It confused Kate. How was that the wrong thing to say? She had been hoping for maybe a giggle from the girl over the nickname. Or a smile. Or at least...well anything other than looking away and continuing their walk. Which is exactly what happened.

"Max I'm sorry did I..did I do something wrong?"

Max shook her head.

"No. I'm just...kinda tired. Not used to being around this many people..do you think we could turn around"

"S-sure." Kate sighed, and Max pursed her lips

"What Kate?" The blonde stared at the ground as she sheepishly brought a hand up to her neck.

"Well, it's just...I was hoping we'd get some hot chocolate" She gave Max her best puppy-eyes impression. Or what she thought were puppy eyes...you just opened your eyes a bit wider right? Max sighed. It had an...endearing sound to it.

"How about we get some to go, and drink it on the roof"

"Yeah, sure M-"

"Proviiding" Max interrupted "Providing you bring your violin. And personally serenade me. I kind of need to just...decompress"

Kate visibly perked up at that suggestion, nodding in agreement. She had hoped for a moonlight walk along the beach -not for any amorous reasons, it was just a pretty place to be and Kate liked pretty places- but this...this was an acceptable alternative.

* * *

Sometimes Max has dark days. On these days she is adrift in a sea of anxieties. Her room a small ship and the world a furious sea. She spends these days in her bed weathering a storm of tears and regret. She thinks she can see water seeping under the door and before long it is up to her neck and she prays for death. Death is a long hallway, and at the end of it there is a single blue butterfly. She sits and prays for death until she wakes up, and it is a different day.

More often than not her days are gray. She feels over-medicated and as a result she feels nothing. Nothing other than unreal. Zombie. Alone but not sad. Just...apart. Apart from everything and there is no color in the world. People ask her questions and she takes a little too long to respond. Sometimes they wave a hand in front of her eyes, attempting to see if she is still there. Sometimes _she_ waves a hand in front of her eyes too.

Then, more recently, there are bright days. Bright days brought about by her own personal sun _Kate Marsh_. Kate took a flashlight and shone it on Max's darkness and it was hard not to smile when it happened. She tried to hide them, but Kate always saw. Today was one of these days. Today Kate looked beautiful in that soft red sweater that hugged her form graciously. Hair always perfect. And a timid smile that sometimes made Max's stomach hurt in a way it hadn't for a long while.

Today Max's hand brushed Kate's several times, and she didn't stop it. She liked the way it felt and she liked the way Kate's hand would jet away and she liked the way Kate's face would turn bright red.

Max still felt pain these days. She still felt the hurt and the wound that loss had marked her with. But she also felt something else. She felt the warmth of hope in her stomach and she felt hopeful that maybe...maybe this wound would one day be a scar. Still there, but _survived_. Maybe she could live with it.

Today Max spent the evening on the rooftop with the girl she had seen up here far too often. Max laid on her back, head propped up by a tote bag, hands wrapped around a still-warm cup of hot chocolate. She smiled as she watched Kate carefully bow her violin. She watched as Kate played a piece by some composer she knew she couldn't pronounce the name of, and maybe she wished _she_ was the violin Kate was playing. Maybe she wished those hands were caressing her own.

On the bright days she had thoughts like this and did not feel _guilty_.

Snow began to fall. Softly. Dampening the outside world. It felt as if it were just Kate and Max on the rooftop, and the rest of the world was...somewhere else. It felt like they were inside a Kate-and-Max snow globe and that felt _right_.

Max didn't have her camera, hadn't touched it since...long before. But tonight she took a picture with her eyes. Don't blink. Slow down the shutter speed. _Remember this._

The snow fell.

Kate quietly hummed along to the violin tune.

Max smiled, and prayed tomorrow wouldn't be a dark day.

Prayed today wouldn't end.


	4. Don't Pull Away

From what Max Caulfield knew of Dante's _Inferno_ , there were approximately nine circles of hell. She knew this because she read it on the back of a book during English class. That fact, however, was where her knowledge of "Dante" and his supposed _Inferno_ ended.

She also knew that Dante was full of shit. She had been in hell before and she knew that hell had infinite layers. The book never mentioned fucked up dreamscapes involving your psychotic teacher, or a diner full of everyone you know telling you not to let them die, or a conversation with a little-too-brutal version of yourself who, let's be honest, made some decent points.

At least, she thought they weren't in the book. Again, she never read the thing. But the author was like, _super_ ancient right? Dude couldn't have known what Max knew about hell.

Because Max knew hell is personal. Personal and amorphous. It wasn't a construct, it was a living thing. That evolved and twisted and changed as much as the person did. Sometimes not fire and brimstone. Or psycho people trying to find you. Sometimes it was the quiet of your parents house, eating diner on Christmas Eve.

Max was pretty sure that if she wanted, she could reach out and touch the air. Like just physically place a hand on it, there was so much _tension_. It was full of the awkwardness of not acknowledging the elephant in the room. The blue whale in the room. The fucking other planet in the room that had it's own observable gravitational pull that astronomers had named Max Caulfield.

Despite that, Max couldn't help but empathize with her parents a little. There were so many things left unsaid that were circling the trio, but how would you even start that line of questioning?

'So sweetie, how is school going? Good grades? Studying? Overcoming the trauma of watching your best friend bleed out in front of your eyes?'

You just don't say that. At least, not if you were a Caulfield. They were a people well versed in the subject of pretending emotionally-charged stuff wasn't there. The loss of a limb just a flesh wound. The loss of a best friends life something you could pay a therapist to see your daughter about.

Your daughter said _no_ , said that she's fine and can deal with it. Said she doesn't need a therapist. And you left it at that. You see her when she comes home for Christmas and if she seems a little fucked up well, maybe it's boy drama. A phase. But don't ask. _Don't ever ask_.

Dad just scraped at his plate. Mom refilled her glass of wine. The dog let out an annoyed sigh, because dogs are _awesome_ and always call you on your bullshit.

And all at once Max wished she wasn't there. Wished she was back at Blackwell- back with Kate. Kate didn't ignore the wounds she saw Max carrying. She always did what was needed. On a day when Max needed to talk, she fixed up a pot of tea, made sure nobody would knock on the door, sat down attentively and let the girl confide.

And on days when Max needed anything other than words, needed just the comfort of having someone there, she gave the girl exactly that.

Sometimes it was playing the violin as Max tried to pick along on the guitar (one of the two girls was not classically trained). But Kate was kind and thoughtful and would make things manageable for Max

Sometimes it was sketching quietly as Max listened to music or pretended to read a book from English class when she actually just kind of wanted to watch Kate work. Kate was careful and attentive and precise when she drew and Max would daydream. Dream of the girl, bent over the same sketch pad in some rustic cabin upstate. It is morning and there is a fresh pot of tea on the table. Classical music softly plays in the background. The sunlight peeks in throught the window to frame Kate in it's golden light, and Max can't tell if the glow is more from the sun or from Kate herself. And there is a bunny. _There is always a bunny_.

Max would picture this and close her eyes. Fall asleep to the familiar scratch of pencil on paper, the gentle ebb and flow of Kate's breathing. Sometimes this was more helpful than talking. Just-existing with someone else.

And sometimes, the best of times, what Max needed was laying under the stars on a blanket they had set out on the roof. Their roof. It might as well have been at this point. This had been Max's last night with Kate before leaving Blackwell for the winter break.

It was freezing outside and the wind softly pressed everything in it's path, but the girls didn't care. They had blankets and tea and conversation and their own bodies to keep each other warm. They had been up there, what? Three, four hours?

Sometimes talking, sometimes not talking. Sometimes Max fell asleep mid-sentence and Kate pushed her in the ribs with a hand and sometimes that hand lingered a little longer than what would be considered normal.

"Max, you did it again"

"Mnff-uhm, what?"

"Oh come on, you were just about say something. You said 'Kate, do you think..'" Kate arched an eyebrow, waiting for the girl to finish the rest.

"Ah, Uh-yeah I don't really remember" she tried, failed, to stifle a yawn as she rested her head back on Kate's shoulder.

"Do you think you could maybe talk now Kate? I'm having trouble finishing-uhm, finishing my-my thoughts"

Kate sighed and Max couldn't tell if she was angry or amused or just tired like Max. All the girl knew was that Kate's shoulder felt more comfortable than any of her pillows, and the blanket on rooftop cement seemed more comfortable than a feather bed.

"Max, if I'm the only one talking, you'd just fall asleep"

"...so"

"Well that's not fair"

"Then let's both fall asleep"

"If we did that, I'd miss my flight and you'd miss your bus"

 _Ugh_. When Max thought about going home to Seattle something lodged in her throat and she didn't know what it was. Didn't know if it is there because she thought of home, or because she thought of Kate leaving.

"Could we just like...stay here. In Blackwell?"

"I'm pretty sure they turn the heat off"

"We could keep each other warm"

Kate coughed at that. That wasn't how Max meant it, not _exactly_ anyways. But she was glad Kate took it that way. Max didn't look, but she has a sneaking suspicion the girl was her favorite color of red. Didn't look, but instead pulled out a Polaroid camera and held it up for something she swore she wouldn't do again.

"Max what are you- no! my face is"

"Bright red?" The familiar flash lit up the rooftop as Kate buried her face in a blanket.

"No! It's just the- its uhm"

"Really cold out here?" Max offered.

Sure, teasing Kate was adorable but she wasn't heartless.

"...y-yes. Why did you take a photo anyways. I-I thought you didn't"

"It seemed like the right time" Max shrugged, and Kate pursed her lips for a moment in question, but shortly after lips turned to a beaming smile. And Max could tell Kate felt proud of her for taking such a big step and she didn't really mind because Kate made it feel almost easy.

"Max I don't think you should go to Seattle".

Kate said this and Max was now awake. Now staring at the girl a bit more inquisitively as the girl stared at her own toes wiggling slowly under the blanket.

"And I-I know that's selfish of me, and I know you should spend the holidays with your parents but...I'm just worried"

"What are you worried about?"

Kate looked away from Max

"I don't know-it's just these past couple of weeks you've-well everything has gotten a bit better...with you, and that's great-it's great Max. But..you aren't better"

"You think I don't know that Kate?"

"No, I know you do, it's just. I see the look you get when the wrong song comes on the radio. Or when you think you hear soemthing that isn't there. I see- I see how you look at the color blue. Max I stopped using blue in any of my paintings and I know all the songs to turn off and.."

Kate sighed and hung her head between shoulders

"I'm just- I just don't want anything to happen and not be there for you

"It'll be OK kate. We can text and-and facetime every night, and I'll-"

"Come to Minnesota with me"

"...what"

"Come to Minnesota"

"...Kate I can't"

"Is it a money thing? Because I talked with my parents, and they understood and said they could take some out of my college fund an-"

"No, it's not just that" Max cut her off

"It's-I haven't seen my parents since before the school year. And I owe it to them to be there. And there's no way they'd be ok with.. "

Max said this and wanted it to be true. Wanted anything to be true other than why she really couldn't go to Minnesota. When Kate had asked her it was as if the blood rushed out of her hands and feet for a moment and she couldn't feel them. Couldn't feel anything other than a sort of heart-racing joy over Kate and how special the girl made her feel. And that feeling instantly crashed into guilt. Because maybe for a second she forgot about Chloe.

 _No, that wasn't true_. She would never forget Chloe it was just...when Kate asked her that she couldn't really think of anything for a moment other than her own happiness and that was wrong. Wrong because she didn't really deserve to be happy right? Not completely so. Not the way Kate made her feel happy.

The tea dates and music jams and chilling were one thing. Max needed that. Needed that to help stifle the grief adn the pain. But Minnesota? That just felt like it was taking things a step to far and Max couldn't go there. It wouldn't be right.

So she said it was because of her parents, and that it is what she should do and Kate believed her and they packed up their blanket and returned to their respective rooms and if Max heard Kate sniff when she said goodbye she told herself it was just the cold.

 _"Max sweetie, are you listening?"_

And just like that, Max was back in hell, staring at a plate of dinner with her parents. And she laughed to herself because now she was like a Time Lord in two ways. Only in this second way she got to powerlessly watch the choices she made over and over again in her mind. A time slave perhaps?

"Your father asked if you'd like to open presents in the morning or wait until a little later?"

"Uh-I don't really care, whenever works for you guys"

"Are you ok? You seem a little...out of it"

"I'm good" She took a bite of the ham she had been ignoring for the past however long and her parents both nodded as if that made everything ok. Because you can't eat when you are sad...or something.

Max finished her dinner and asked to be excused and no, she didn't wan't to stay up and play games or watch a movie, she just wanted sleep. So she went up to her room and threw her face in her pillow and let out a long, exhausted scream.

She was full. So full of grief and pain and sorrow and she never really realized how important Kate was to her. Hadn't realized how she needed the girl to act as a sort of engineer over the rupturing valve that was Max Caulfield. Let a little steam out, close it back up. Let a little out, close it back up. Now it was just building up and had no way to escape.

She tucked knees to her chest and began to sob. Without Kate she was alone because nobody knows, they don't understand what happened or is happening and her breathing turned quick and panicked and she can swore she hears a tornado outside her room. The floor shook and the ceiling fan rattled on it's screws and the walls felt like they were closing in on her and she was sure the storm was coming to take her. Sure she would die and maybe she needed t-

 _Stop_

A voice. It wasn't hers. It wasn't even Kates. Maybe it was Chloe's or Rachel's or who the fuck cares, maybe Max was just exhausted. All she knew that at one moment the whole world was about to collapse on her and now it was still, and she was staring at a crumpled Polaroid in her hand of her and Kate Marsh.

And then Max Caulfield did something she swore she wouldn't ever do again.

* * *

A familiar flash lit up the rooftop

"No! It's just the- its uhm"

"Yes"

"What?"

"I'll go with you to Minnesota"

Kate looked surprised, and then eyes turned to a more knowing glance. She noticed the anxiousness in Max's eyes and there was the faintest line of red running down the girl's nose

"Max-you...why did you"

"I can't-I can't be without you Kate. I thought I didn't deserve to...go or be happy but I can't..face this on my own. Not yet-I'm afraid what will happen"

Kate said nothing and pulled Max into a tight hug and the girl couldn't breath for a moment, but it was a good moment so she didn't care.

"I told you I was worried" and then Kate let go of Max with a sort of confused look "Or-or did I?"

"Yeah"

"Wow...That's. Uhm. Is this the first time you-"

"Yeah"

And Kate didn't say anything anymore and Max was thankful for that. She laid her head in Kate's lap and stared at the stars as the girl ran fingers through her hair, her chest heavy with a feeling of guilt, but more than anything she didn't feel like she did in Seattle, and that was good.

* * *

Kate Marsh knew what heaven was like and heaven was about the little things. She knew this because she would dream of it all the time. When she was sleeping she would dream of it and when she was awake she drew it and nothing could take that from her. Nothing could change her view of it because she knew it.

She knew heaven was personal and twisted and changed as much as the person does. Knew this because when she was a child, heaven was making snow angels on a moonlit night and sipping hot chocolate by the fire in a small cabin that was her own special hideout.

She knew this because now, heaven was being somewhere, _anywhere_ , with Maxine Caulfield. The girl who thought of herself as a dork and a nobody, but Kate saw the truth. She saw it every time blue eyes lit up at the sound of a good song and every time she made a a silly pop-culture joke and the three times on this vacation she snapped a picture.

And now Kate tiptoed across the hall to the room Max was staying in and moved to press her shoulder. Almost regretting waking the girl because Max looked so peaceful sleeping, but this was important.

"Hnn-wha-Kate?"

"Shh" Kate whispered and flipped on Max's lamp

"Where-where...we're in Minnesota?"

Max said this and smiled as if this is the first time she realized that. Kate furrowed her eyebrows but decided it must be the disorientation of waking up in a room that is not yours.

"Put this on, we're going outside" She shoved some snowpants and a large sweater into the girls hands.

"But...but it's cold and I'm so sl-"

"It'll be worth it, I promise" Max nodded and got dressed without any further questioning, and just like that they were off, tiptoeing down the hall and then stairs. Max was slow because she paused to look at everything and again, Kate was as to why but she didn't ask.

They entered the parlor, and Max laughed, actually laughed out loud. Kate tried to tell her to keep her mouth shut and ended up giggling as well. Max had an infectious giggle. The light upstairs turned on and before anyone could yell a question of what was going on Kate took Max's hand and they ran out the door.

Out into the frigid winter night. It was moonlit and the snow was fresh and the world looked untouched. To Kate it looked like something from a snow globe and that brought a smile to her face.

 _Her and Max's personal snow globe._

They ran and trudged through the fresh snow like children, Max tripping and laughing and Kate helping her back on her feet. The girl was not used to so much snow, didn't have the sure-footedness Kate did from years of experience.

And naturally, just as she has thought this, Kate's boot caught on the ground and she fell on her back and she giggled because _of course_ that happened.

And then max was standing over her. Framed in the moonlight and looking so beautiful because winter nights have a certain shine about them and Maxine Caulfield has certain shine about her and Kate couldn't tell which one was brighter.

Max offered a hand to Kate and Kate smiled mischievously as she took the offered hand and pulled. Pulled the girl into her. They laughed at each other and Kate could see the moonlight reflect off of the snow in Max's eye and she saw something else there too but she told herself it was just her imagination.

Then Kate saw a shift in Max's eyes and knew what that meant could not ignore it. She recognized the recollection of some memory she wasn't a part of and it always signified the end of a moment. Specifically the best moments that made Kate's heart race, moments when she stopped questioning any of her feelings because _all she could do_ was feel.

Max smiled and rolled off of Kate to rest her head on the girls stomach and gaze at the stars.

Kate didn't talk, knew it wasn't the right time to. She just ran fingers through familiar tangles of chestnut hair and smiled, because if this moment wasn't heaven, it was close enough and that was good.


	5. Wherever You Are

Kate was still reeling from the effects of Christmas vacation with Maxine Caulfield. Still high from the euphoria and she didn't plan on coming down any time soon. And she thought that if there was a drug that could make her feel this way, then maybe drugs weren't so bad.

Ok... _not really_.

But when she was with Max, it just made Her feel so full. There was nothing like watching the light and life that left a person begin to seep its way back in. And no, maybe it wasn't like drugs, but Kate didn't really care and decided she would use whatever descriptive license she wanted.

Their week and a half in Minnesota had been full of laughter and joy and countless late night talks and stories of childhood and all the things that come with really learning a person. Kate had paid attention to every story Max told with all the attentiveness and wonder of a child.

Because she wanted to know everything about Max. Every knee scrape and broken heart and dead pet and all the things that make a person a person. And if there was a word for that, then Kate didn't know.

 _Uh yeah, maybe it's-_

So, Kate had also become pretty good at ignoring that little voice inside her. Not that it was a bad voice it was just- she always thought about things. A lot. Too much. And with Max, she didn't want to think. Or rather, overthink. Max was a bit like a roller coaster to Kate, and she kept her eyes shut, pretending she wasn't afraid of heights while it slowly clicked upwards.

That's all you had to do right? Pretend it wasn't there long enough until the drop and then boom -weightlessness

 _Uh..Pretend what isn't there?_

Max learned things as well on their trip. Probably more than Kate had intended. Because-yeah, she told her stories of the days of tangled hair and Sunday school fights and getting caught with her hand _literally_ in the cookie jar. And they were good and helpful and important. But then her sisters came along with stories that maybe Kate thought were definitely not necessary. And then her dad. And then mom (she really didn't appreciate those stories).

Kate had tried keeping track of how many times her face turned bright red that week, but stopped counting at 32. And decided instead to make casual remarks of dehydration, nodding to herself that of course that was the reason.

Those stories weren't even the worst of it. The worst came halfway through the week when she woke up to the smell of breakfast and came down to Max humming in the kitchen. She was in pajamas and had bedraggled hair and somehow she made that look effortlessly cute. The brunette looked up, flashed a smile and said

'morning Katie'

 **Katie.**

 _..Katie?_ Kate Marsh was not _Katie_.

She had made sure of it when she moved to Washington. Stopped her parents from signing it on letters, wore headphones during Skype sessions, and would protest it the second anyone from school got any funny ideas. As much as Kate could protest something, which involved politely requesting. But she had to, she was Kate and an adult and not some-some child named Katie.

Until Max said it.

Blue eyes holding a playfully mischievous look, and a smile noting the girl was way too proud of herself. She had the nerve to say Katie, and-

And it _melted_ Katie.

Kate!- It melted _Kate_.

A nervous hand reached up to her collarbone and a smile broke through and she was certain her cheeks were the brightest color of red. Sisters giggled off somewhere Kate couldn't see and Max chuckled to herself and-

 _Ooh_ the nerve of that girl.

'uhm..I'm sorry-your sisters said it would be funny'

'no, max, it's totally ok'

'But you're bright red. Do you hate it that much?'

'I'm just dehydrated and-'

Max made a point of rolling her eyes, and Kate continued

'I don't hate it, it's just-it's'

'what?'

' _embarrassing_ '

'embarrassing?'

'yeah. Katie is-well it's a name for a little girl. And I-The whole point of coming to Blackwell was to be a new person and..I'm not Katie'

'oh...well I thought it was kind of cute'

And seriously? If it was possible, Kate turned an even deeper color of red and Max thankfully pretended not to notice that her face now looked like it had been pulled straight from a Saturday-morning cartoon. She only pressed a freshly poured cup of tea into the Kate's hand and beamed another quick smile

'Come on Rapunzel, we got stuff to do today'

'Oh come on Max, Rapunzel?'

'Nicknames are kinda my thing'

'But Rapunzel?'

'The hair'

'It's not that long! And it's in a bun!'

'Call me skeptical. How bout you let it down and we can see'

Kate paused

'Rapunzel! Rapunzel, let down your-'

'Katie is fine'

And a far too pleased Max locked arms with Kate and ushered her out of the room.

'Then onward Katie. There's adventures to be had and-oh! Waffles are ready!'

And yeah, it was that. That was their vacation. A scrapbook of countless little moments like those and Kate learned that Max was really good at making little moments special. She was good at making a lot of things special.

Of course, not all were happy moments. Max was still..well, recovering. She would be bright and sunny one moment, cold and despondent the next. But they learned to deal with it and Kate enjoyed Max on even the darker moments. And no matter what, she always thought of the bright ones.

So if there was a slight spring in her step throughout the first few weeks of being back at school, maybe she had a good reason. And if people noticed, maybe she didn't care.

Because they did notice. Who wouldn't?

Max and Katie- _Kate_ did everything together. As much as they could at least. All of their free time was spent with each other. Tea dates and music dates and food dates and

 _And it sounds like a lot of dates-_

Kate specifically loved long walks in Arcadia Bay. Along the coast and in the pine forests and it was the best thing to do on a lazy Sunday. Long walks let their minds wander, and after a time Max would inevitably find something to take a picture of. Kate loved that. Anything to get the girl lost in a bit of her passion.

 _Plus long walks are kind of-_

Max's favorite thing was watching cheesy romantic movies with Kate. Which, for Kate, was a great source of humor. Max never seemed like she would be the type to enjoy those movies, and she admittedly wasn't. She only started to watch one after Kate had begged and pleaded with her for days (because what's not to love about cheesy and romantic?)

By the end of the movie, Max was angrily prodding Kate because she had fallen asleep and missed the final scene. Kate teasingly mentioned something about noticing a tear in the girls eye and Max said no. Said if anything, it was a tear out of boredom. Kate just knowingly smiled and said Max wasn't very good at lying, after which she was promptly met with a pillow to the face. She decided not to mention it again.

The next night they watched another. When Kate questioned her, Max had said it was cathartic. The movies were simple and heartfelt, and if there was any sadness, by the end of 90 minutes everything was wrapped up in a simple and happy bow. And Max admitted maybe she kind of needed simple and happy. When Kate asked _'what about the bow?_ ' Max just kind of stared at her in a way that made her feel dizzy and like her body would cave in on itself.

So this was how they spent their winter, January seemed to move past them at light speed. Movies and long walks and late nights and tea dates every week. They even studied for classes and did homework together.

Well, 'study' was probably a term to be used lightly. Kate studied. Probably enough for the both of them. Max would start to study and quickly lose interest and doodle or begin talking about anything while Kate worked. Kate never minded, that was what she wanted Max here for anyways. A comforting presence that motivated Katie to-

Motivated _Kate_ to finish work quickly so she could look at Max instead of all these numbers and letters on a page.

 _Look?_

Talk. Talk to Max. Whatever. The point was that they studied together. And if Max didn't do homework now, it was more due to procrastination than grief. Like an 80/20 split.

Probably the craziest thing to note of their time together was social interactions. Max finally had them. Like, legitimately. No zombie-Max. Living-Max social time.

It had started with a small dinner at a simple restaurant in town (not the two whales...not yet) with Stella and Alyssa in attendance. And then a fire on the beach. Complete with marshmallow roasting and instrument playing. Kate hadn't seen Max sneak her violin on the trip and she wanted to chide the girl for practically coercing her to play but, well at the same time it maybe made her feel wanted.

Of course, just because there was no zombie-max did not mean there was a lack of totally awkward and severely regrettable social interactions.

The drive-in movie with Warren and Brooke had been a terrible idea. Awful. And Max would never let her live it down. She should have said no, but- well Kate had just been a bit blinded by the thought of a drive in movie with Max. _What could possibly be bad about that?_

A lot, she found out. Maybe not a lot, maybe if it had just been her and Max. But the level of awkwardness that day made it feel like a lot. Because the whole thing was basically just a 60 mile excuse for Brooke and Warren to make out, so why had they invited Kate and Max? And if that wasn't bad enough, any time she wasn't engaged in a fierce sucker-fish battle with Warren, Brooke threw some serious shade at Max. And Kate. But especially Max.

The two girls had decided that they were better off outside the car, and spent the rest of the movie huddled together in the cold, watching silent images play across the screen. Or Max did. Kate watched silent light dance along Max's face. She actually loved this part. In the absence of sound, Max filled in for the actors, providing her own dialogue and accents and it was nerdy in the best of ways.

And in the absence of heat they had to resort to nearly cuddling to keep each other warm. At one point Max noticed Kate's hands were red and shaking slightly and decided to hold them in her own trembling hands, completely ignoring the movie and staring at Kate with a concerned look and-Kate didn't know what to think. Couldn't know what to think other than that the rest of the world seemed to melt away from her vision then, save for Maxine Caulfield. And if she could choose a moment in which to spend eternity, it was that one.

So, maybe the drive-in hadn't actually been terrible for the two. As a social outing for Max, it was still technically bad. But any time Max harassed Kate over that trip, she would stare at her feet and smile, right hand reaching up to tough her collarbone. Because that moment would always be worth any level of awkwardness to Katie.

 _Kate._

Max was an expert at making bunches and bunches of little moments special, and before Kate even realized it, it was February. And she was full to the brim with memories of them and feelings of happiness.

So why? Why now did her heart fall into her stomach as she stood with Max in her dorm room, flyer in hand.

'Hey what's that?'

'oh..uh..some flyer they were handing out on my way here' she said as nonchalantly as she could manage. Which, maybe wasn't a whole lot.

'what's it for?'

'I think some kind of party' she muttered like she didn't know. Like she hadn't been reading it over and over in her own room for the past 30 minutes. Like she hadn't been thinking way too hard about showing it to Max or not.

'A party? Wait-a school party? Does that mean?' She plucked the flyer from Max's hands

'oh my- are you fucking cereal? I thought the vortex club got shut down'

'yeah' Kate reached a hand to the back of her neck 'I guess it got new funding'

'Great, so a few months after all the-the fucked up stuff that happened and the administration is now totally for parent-funded drinking on campus again? Like what could possibly go wrong this time?'

'Well, I mean it's better on campus than off right? At least people can watch out for you-'

'Katie...you- you don't actually want to go to this do you?'

Kate felt like a child now. Staring down at her feet like she could burn holes through them

'well..'

'well what?'

'I mean-'

'Oh Dog please tell me you don't want to go to this..'

'I mean.. _.it is_ Valentine's Day' she gulped

'Kate-' _not Katie?_ 'the last time you were at one of these, you got drugged-'

that stung

'I know'

'And they posted videos of you onli-'

'I know'

'and Jefferson took you to the-'

'I KNOW!' And its out of her mouth like an explosion. Her face shot up to meet Max's own glare and she attempted, failed, to fight back the tears as her voice poured out of her almost quicker than she could think

'I know I got drugged and they took the videos and-and the pictures... I know. Trust me. And I get-I get that I should definitely not want to go to this party but..Jefferson is gone and Nathan's gone and I-' she was trembling npw

'I just thought that-uhm'

'thought what'

'maybe it would be fun if-if we...well' she shook her head

'never mind, it was-it was a dumb idea and-'

'Kate..'

'I-I think I'm gonna go'

'Katie don't..'

She turned around and tried to block out the rest of Max's voice. Briskly walking to her own room and shutting the door and burying her face in her pillow to let out a frustrated scream.

She was stupid and her idea was stupid and everything was stupid. And her thoughts continued on that path for a while until sleep finally came.

* * *

Kate woke up some time later to near darkness in her room. The evening had advanced far quicker than she had expected it to, and a quick glance of her phone noted the time, 8pm. She also saw that there were twenty missed text messages from Maxine Caulfield. These she did not check. She was sure they were warnings not to go to the party. Sure that Max was disappointed with her for even considering a vortex club party.

It was ridiculous. Of course it was. The last party she had attended well...everyone knew how that went. Kate especially. But who was to say that this party would end up that way.

And that wasn't the point. Kate didn't care if it was a Vortex club party or any other type of party. It could have even been like, a senior party. Like old people seniors. Maybe she just wanted to take Max to a party. To a Valentine's party. Because Max for sure didn't care about that sappy stuff, but maybe Kate did.

 _Goodness_ she felt stupid. Of course Max wouldn't want to go to a Vortex party, to a Valentine's party with Kate. She was surprised she had believed the girl might want to. Max was...amazing and special and talented and beautiful and Kate was...Kate.

The self righteous girl who was too nice for anyone to believe and they were probably right. Maybe she was not nearly as good as she pretended to be, and she was certainly not nearly as special as Max made her feel. And in that moment, she decided to pull her desk back to reach for the bottle of wine she had stashed away what seemed like forever ago. Because if there was anything Kate was good at, it was making sound decisions while depressed...

She poured herself a glass. Took a drink. Almost grimaced from the bitterness, but it quickly turned to a smile from the sensation of warmth in her belly and she decided if she was as bad a person as she felt right now, she should just go to the party on her own. The flyer had said something about the lonely hearts party, and Kate certainly felt like a lonely heart.

By the time she was finished with her second glass of wine, it was just about set in stone. She was going. Without Max because Kate was too stupid and who cared right now, she just needed to get out of the room.

* * *

The Vortex Club party was like any typical vortex party before it, though Kate only knew one. And that she barely remembered, but she knew enough. They always gave off an atmosphere of...something more than a high school party should be. Not that she would know, but she had to assume high school parties didn't have hired DJ's, or professional lighting, or readily available alcohol. At least not when they were held on the school's grounds. The students had thought that with the arrest of Nathan Prescott, they would never see the old days of grandiose vortex parties. But their great savior Queen Victoria stepped in. Or, her parents did. It was their money, and this party looked every bit the real deal.

Loud House music and flashing lights and smoke and bodies everywhere. People dancing and puking and passing out and making out and Kate would have thought that, _yeah_. Maybe this would have been a terrible place to take Max to. Would have thought several things, if not for her brain feeling so fuzzy and the music feeling so...enticing. Now she only thought that she felt like dancing.

Before long she was interrupted by bumping into someone behind her, and turned to see Victoria Chase's rather confused face.

'K-Kate? What in the world are you doing here?'

Kate only smiled and wrapped her arms around the girl. Somewhere in the back of her mind a voice questioned the action, but it was subdued beneath layers of fuzziness.

'Victoria! So good to see you! And I'm dancing, what else would I be doing?'

'I-I'm just surprised to see you here. And without Max attached to your hip and-uhm...Kate are you'

'ooooh she's not here' Kate giggled 'she uhm- hates..vortex clubs parties'

Victoria's eyes narrowed

'...Kate. You're _drunk_ '

'mmmm no I'm not'

'...how much have you had to drink?'

'Nothing..'

'Kate'

'just a glass of wine'

'...kate'

'two glasses'

 _'_ _Kate'_

'uhm, and maybe someone gave me a shot here...or two...I can't remember. I didn't like it, it burned my throat' she giggled again and nearly lost her balance, Victoria had to grab her shoulders to keep her steady.

'Ok Kate I think it's time we get you out of here'

'but I wanna stay'

'That is definitely out of the question' and Victoria put an arm around the girl and started to walk her out of the building. Kate would have protested, or at least considered it. But her brain was sluggish and her eyes were heavy and it felt kind of easy to be lead around. Even if it was by the queen bitch herself.

Their walk back was quiet, and Victoria never took her arm from Kate's shoulders. And Kate would question that but right now she didn't really question anything. Just enjoyed the company and the warmth she felt and loved- _loved_ the sudden feeling of being let down on her bed. She didn't know how her room had been opened but it didn't matter, her bed was soft and comfortable and she felt like waves were crashing softly on her, pushing her deeper and deeper into the mattress.

'Seriously Kate, you need to stay away from the liquor' Victoria muttered as she pat the girl's head.

'But I definitely can't sit here and take care of you, so I gotta' go find someone'

Kate didn't move as the girl left the room. She wasn't sure if she could anyways, the bed was seriously be the pinnacle of human luxury. And she didn't remember it feeling like this before, maybe it had been switched out or something.

'...so I obviously wouldn't do this for anyone else, but I felt like I maybe...owed her after what happened last time'

'you mean after you took the video. And posted it online?'

' _Whatever_ Caulfield, I was just trying to help Kate, so you can go fuck yourself'

Kate heard a door slam and angry feet shuffle down the hallways. And then she giggled because _'angry feet'_ sounded really funny. How could feet be angry?

'...Katie?'

'Max!' Her reply came and she tried to get off the bed to meet the girl, only to be held down by a hand and Max either had some incredible reserve of strength, or Kate was a little bit more tipsy than she thought because she was held firmly on the mattress.

'I take it you went to the party'

'...maybe'

Max sat down on the bed and cradled Kate's head in her lap, staring down at the blonde with that look of concern Kate had come to love.

'and you drank?'

A pause

'...maybe'

'Katie..'

'ok...yes'

'why?'

Kate sighed 'I-I uhm..was upset'

'with me?'

'yeah'

'because I didn't want to go to the vortex party?'

'because you didn't want to go to the vortex party with _me_ '

'Kate, you know I hate parties and...and being around people is still tough and-'

'I-I know its just. I thought that-well..its uhm. It was a Valentine's party'

'..yeah'

'yeah and well...I thought that..maybe-maybe it would be fun if we went together. And you could-or we could'

'wait..what? Are you saying?-'

'I know it's dumb but-'

'You wanted me to be your Valentine's.. _date_...or whatever?'

And Kate felt stupid. More stupid maybe than she has ever felt because she was a child. It's a dumb holiday and it's ridiculous and only a kid would get upset about it. And maybe she is Katie.

And then Max laughed. Actually _laughed_. Out loud. And Kate buried her now scarlet-face in her hands.

'Kate, you should have talked to me. Or asked me or-or said anything' she took Kate's hand in her own 'we are friends Katie. I'll be your Valentine's-I'll be whatever you want me to be'

Wait- friends? _Friends_. Kate sat up and met the girls gaze.

'That's it Max. I don't-I don't think I want to be friends'

'what?'

'I think. I think that-uhm. I..uh'

'Kate, what are you saying'

'I think that I love you'

'...what'

'I-I love you Max'

'You're-you'tr drunk Kate'

' _I love you'_

And Max just stared at Kate speechless. Which made Kate feel uncomfortable and nervous and she had to do anything. Anything to break the silence. So she put a hand behind Max's neck and pulled the girl in closer and kissed her. And _oh_.

There it is. The weightlessness. The drop of the roller coaster, the loss of gravity. Kate closed her eyes.

The blonde changed her mind. Instantly. If there was a moment she wanted to live in forever, it was this one. Because Max was soft and her lips were warm and she let out the quietest moan as Kate kissed her and Kate thought that this must be what heaven tasted like. And she couldn't hear whatever her conscience had to say over the the sound of her own blood pumping but she thought maybe it would agree.

And maybe the kiss lasted a few seconds or maybe it lasted an eternity, Kate couldn't tell. All she knew was that when Max finally pulled away, it hadn't nearly been long enough.

She had a look of surprise and was breathing heavily and her cheeks were hot red and Kate had to imagine her own face looked much the same.

'K-Kate uhm'

'You don't know how long I've wanted to do that Max'

'Kate I- I think you drank a little too much'

'what? No I-'

'I-uhm...I should go'

'Max don't-'

'We-uh, we'll talk in the morning' and Max disappeared out of Kate's door. And that was not at all how Kate had imagined it because, let's be honest, she had been imagining it since long before now.

She collapsed on the bed and hugged knees to her chest because now she felt more foolish than she ever had. She had been silly enough to do that and silly enough to think Max would return her affection and _seriously_?

 _Kind of terrible timing Kate..you do remember all the crap she's dealing with, yeah?_

And Kate felt stupid and silly and childish and- and anything. Felt a mix of mostly terrible things. But she did not- _could_ _not_ regret the kiss. And if Max never wanted to speak to her again it would still almost be worth it. Maybe.

* * *

Max's heart was racing. And her hands were trembling and head spinning and maybe her nose was bleeding a bit, so she sat on her bed and pulled her knees to her chest. And she absentmindedly wondered if being tipsy was something you could catch from someone, like a cold. Or the flu. Because she certainly felt drunk. Or high. If this was what drugs felt like, maybe they weren't all so bad.

 _Because Kate had- she said that- and then she..._

It was too much for Max to process. Her heart felt like it was simultaneously soaring in the clouds and burying itself in her stomach at the same time.

Because Kate loved her. _Katie loved her_. Maybe. And kissed her and maybe she had wanted to, but Max couldn't be sure. Couldn't be sure if the kiss and the confession had come more from Kate or the alcohol. And it wasn't fair to take advantage of that.

And now she kind of felt bad for rewinding three times. But it was too late to do anything about it. She knew this because she tried rewinding a fourth time after she came into her room. Because Kate had kissed her and that was worth experiencing more than once. And Kate loved her.

Maybe.

 _And what about Chloe? You know, the love of your life. Who you were devastated over like..a second ago? So quick to forget her huh?_

No! She didn't forget Chloe. It was just...Kate was just.

 _Sure._

Unbidden tears fell from Max's eyes as she laid her head on a pillow. She didn't know much, but she was pretty certain things just got a bit more complicated for her. And she felt awful, like she was abandoning Chloe all over again. And she still felt warm from the kiss.

Because no matter how much her heart sank, she couldn't make herself regret the kiss.


End file.
